Borsalino Test #19: Everyone hates me

Everyone hates me

The incidence of narcissistic personality disorder is nearly three times as high for people in their 20s and early 30s as for the generation that’s now 65 or older. According to the National Institutes of Health, 58% more US college students scored higher on a narcissism scale in 2009 than in 1982.

My generation hoarded so many participation trophies growing up that we grew wired to believe we deserve a promotion every two years. Each country’s millennials are different. But because of globalization, social media, the exporting of Western culture, millennials worldwide are more similar to one another than to older generations within their nations. 

But I digress. Let’s focus on me. Everyone hates me. I mean, literally everyone. That includes my Uber driver that dropped me off at home last night and the perennial shirtless guy that comes to CrossFit class. And anyone else who has ever existed thinks I am the single worst human ever. I just know it already. 

Every single individual on Earth has been hating me since I was a little kid. Though most little kids are raised in parents' adoration, I was raised in outright derision. My dad used to travel a lot for work so he could also avoid spending time with me. My mother resented me to the point she refused to bake me birthday cakes after I turned eleven. They eventually enrolled me into the finest of schools and granted me the opportunity to study abroad several times, so I could learn to be hated by the finest, international professors. The years of my upbringing as a hated little kid thickened my skin for the hate that would have come later. 

By the way, I am convinced that one of the reasons people hate me is that I refer to myself as a ‘little kid’. Or that I went to fine schools. Or both? I wish I could change these things about myself, and especially these two. But I doubt that would change anything in the eyes of those who hate me. 

I know that people find it infuriating to hear someone with all the privilege in the world perpetually insisting that ‘everyone hates’ them. Just imagine, though, how much more annoying it is for me, an individual actually hated by everyone, when phonies pretend they’re the ones everybody hates. I am the one! I bet these very same phonies throw extravagant parties with glass bowls of yellow M&Ms and lo-fi hip hop playing where they all hang out and sit around listing all the things they hate about me. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what they do. I have never been invited to any of these parties though. Surely they would hate having me there. 

My most ardent haters harbor so much ire for me that they’ll try to gaslight me into believing they actually like me. They’ll say things like “Seriously? I asked you to be the best man at my wedding” or “Why are we not spending more time together? You’re fun!” I do not fully appreciate the lengths of these haters’ contempt for me and that is what I must live with every day. Imagine.

In 2018 I met Joe Biden in Chicago when he was revving up the engine right ahead of his presidential campaign. He delivered a speech at Northwestern University, where he mentioned that my generation is the most threatening and exciting one since the baby boomers brought about social revolution. Not because we are trying to take over the Establishment, but because we have been growing up without one. The Industrial Revolution made us far more powerful. We could move to a city, start a business, read and form organizations. The information revolution has further empowered individuals by handing them the technology to compete against huge organizations: hackers vs. corporations, bloggers vs. newspapers, terrorists vs. nation-states, YouTube directors vs. studios, app-makers vs. entire industries. We don’t respect authority because we never really confronted one. We don’t resent it either. Biden then proceeded to tell me straight to my face that he had never seen a more insufferable, detestable individual than me. Well, he did not say that explicitly. It was more communicated through his eyes and body language. What a sophisticated, compassionate leader. 

My therapist is convinced I live in my own head. She considers it kind of selfish to presume everyone is running around spending their time thinking about me. But then what do I know, she also hates me. According to her, when people try to boost self-esteem, they accidentally boost narcissism instead. She’s pretty sure that when kids are little it’s cute to tell them they’re special or a princess or a rock star or whatever their t-shirt says. But it’s definitely detrimental beyond the age of 14. She believes that all that self-esteem leads them to be disappointed when the world refuses to affirm how great they know they are. Not only do these people lack the kind of empathy that allows them to feel concerned for others, but they also have trouble intellectualizing others’ points of view. The mental gymnastics this woman would perform to express her hate!

To be fair, it’s also possible that I’m just a lame 30-years-old. But still, none of these traits are new to my generation. They’ve been around at least since the Reformation, when Martin Luther told Christians they didn’t need the church to talk to God. They became more pronounced at the end of the 18th century in the Romantic period, when artists stopped using their work to celebrate God and started using it to express themselves. In 1979, Christopher Lasch wrote in The Culture of Narcissism, “The media give substance to, and thus intensify, narcissistic dreams of fame and glory, encourage common people to identify themselves with the stars and to hate the ‘herd,’ and make it more and more difficult for them to accept the banality of everyday existence.” I checked my email three times during this last sentence.

My generation perceives entitlement not as a result of overprotection but as an adaptation to a world of abundance. For almost all of human history, everyone was a small-scale farmer. And then people were farmers and factory workers. Nobody gets very much fulfillment from either of those things. Today’s twixters put off life choices because they can choose from a huge array of career options, some of which, like jobs in social media, didn’t exist 10 years ago. What idiot would try to work her way up at a company when she’s going to have an average of seven jobs before age 26? Because of online dating, Twitter and the ability to connect with people internationally, they no longer have to marry someone from their high school class or even their home country. Life expectancy is increasing and technology allows women to get pregnant in their 40s. We have been granted significantly more leeway to postpone big decisions. 

A lot of what counts as typical millennial behavior is how rich kids have always behaved throughout history. The Internet has just democratized opportunity for many young people, giving them access and information that once belonged mostly to the wealthy. When I was growing up in the 90s I thought I wanted to be an engineer, since that was the best option for people who didn’t totally suck at math in my middle-class suburb. Between you and me, I kinda sucked at math in school though.

Now, before you go, think of a person. Got one in mind? That’s right — The Dalai Lama hates me, and he loves everyone. Now think of another person. We have already established that Joe Biden hates me. Why would you think of someone I just brought up? You are just trying to rub salt in my Joe Biden-shaped wounds. Believe me when I say that I am the most hated person in the world. And if you don’t, well, then, I guess it comes as no surprise to learn that you hate me, too.